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Click on one of the following links to read something funny:

Lists

	My Favorite Button Sayings
	Ten Best Things to Say if You Get Caught Sleeping at Your Desk
	Deep Thoughts by...

Jokes

	Bill Gates in Hell
	Millennia Year Application Software System (MYASS)
	Satan
	Hell
	New Operating System Error Messages

The Possum Story

-----Original Message-----

From: Julie Watson [mailto:jawatson@swbell.net]
Sent: Tuesday, September 26, 2000 4:48 AM
Subject: TRUE STORY: It's 3:45AM, and I just stepped in some...

OK. THIS JUST HAPPENED TO ME.

It's 3:45AM, and I'm typing an e-mail in the middle of the night, trying to figure out why I continue to have such a bizarre life.

I've been keeping my next-door neighbor's dog since last Friday. Misha. She's half husky / half chow... a very good girl... very well behaved, but a lot of energy.

She's not much of a bed sleeper, so the sleeps by my bed on the floor right under where I sleep. My 2 basset hounds sleep at the foot of the bed as always.

So I wake up because Misha starts stirring around ... panting, pacing, panting, pacing. I think... gee whiz... if she wants to go out, can't she just use the doggie door... that fancy sliding-glass doggie door I finished installing recently in my patio door that goes from my bedroom to my backyard... the one I specially modified to LOWER the door flap so that my short legged, wide loaded hounds wouldn't have to LEAP through it to get out?

So I layed there. I figured she just wanted to wake me up for some attention... like maybe she was having some doggie separation anxiety. So I give her a firm... "MISHA!!! NO!!!" More pacing, more panting. Then she starts to BARK. Bark bark bark bark bark bark pace pace pace pant pant pant bark bark bark bark bark bark. "MISHA!!! NO!!!" So I reach down to pet her... and she starts to growl a low weird little growl... OH SHIT!!! That's not coming from any of these three dogs... That's coming from the other side of the room.

Hounds still snoring, Misha was looking at me like, "Aren't you going to do anything?" So I get out of bed... take a couple of steps and squish. Gross... warm poo... Light goes on... and I'm staring down a freaking 2 foot long possum (not including the tail) in the corner of my bedroom MUNCHING ON A PIG'S EAR in it's long claws... taking time between chews to hiss at me and show me it's big set of shark teeth.

Wait a sec... pinch pinch pinch... yep I'm awake.

By that time, the hounds have stopped snoring and have sprung into action... Yes, boys and girls... the basset hound was specifically bred to HUNT SMALL FURRY MAMMALS, and I know now, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that any amount of pampering, spoiling or domesticating on my part has done nothing to suppress the fine breeding efforts of those monks in France 800 years ago.

A veritable HOUND HELL broke out in my bedroom. At 3:30AM this morning.

So I was thinking, "Get the broom or get the camera?" "Clean the poo out from between my toes, or call off the hounds?" Decisions... decisions... Sorry folks, I got the broom and called off the hounds.

So with broom in hand, I managed to get the hounds out of the bedroom, close the bedroom door and sweep the extremely pissed off possum out from underneath my dresser. I finally get his furry butt to the back door and inches away from the doggie door when... SURPRISE! Dogs have gone out the other doggie door and come around the other way. Possum back under the dresser.

So with my trusty sword... er ... I mean broom, I get the dogs in the bathroom, and the possum back out the door... at which time... it just decides to lay on the ground like it's dead... hence the old saying "playing possum".

Ok... sooooo...... how do you get a possum to stop playing possum and get on it's way so that I can let the wailing hounds and the barking husky-chow out of the bathroom? I don't know. I'm sitting here typing this trying to figure it out. Hopefully when I'm done, it will have come out of it's possum-stupor and scurried away.

Wait a sec... pinch pinch pinch.. yep, I really am awake.

Um.... I might be a bit late in the morning. I have to shampoo the poop out of my bedroom carpet. I don't even want to *think* of which animal it came from...

FOLKS, YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS STUFF UP.

Julie

Lists

My Favorite Button Sayings

	Do I look like a fucking people person?
	You! Off my planet!
	I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
	The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
	Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
	Allow me to introduce my selves.
	Better living through denial.
	Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
	Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
	How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
	I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
	How do I set a laser printer to stun?
	I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

Ten Best Things to Say if you get Caught Sleeping at Your Desk

	"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
	"This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
	"Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time!"
	"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
	"I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
	"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
	"Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
	"The coffee machine is broken..."
	"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
	" ... in Jesus' name. Amen."

Deep Thoughts by ...

	Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
	"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff." -- Mariah Carey
	"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are." -- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22
	"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." -- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
	"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life." -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign
	"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
	"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
	"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." -- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
	"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." -- Former French President Charles De Gaulle
	"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." -- A congressional candidate in Texas
	"The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet." -- Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars.
	"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." -- John Wayne
	"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
	"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
	"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet." -- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin
	"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

Jokes

Bill Gates in Hell

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God...

“Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call. I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95.

I’m going to do something I’ve never done before.

In your case, I’m going to let you decide where you want to go!”

Bill replied, “Well, thanks, God. What’s the difference between the two?”

God said, “I’m willing to let you look at both places briefly if it will help you make a decision.”

“Fine, but where should I go first?”

God said, “I’m going to leave that up to you.”

Bill said, “OK, then, let’s try Hell first.”

So Bill looked down on Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. “This is great!” he told God, “If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!”

“Fine,” said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. “Hmm, I think I prefer Hell” he told God.

“Fine,” retorted God, “as you desire.” So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.

“How’s everything going, Bill?” God asked. Bill responded-his voice full of anguish and disappointment, “This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can’t believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?”

God says, “That was the screen saver”.

Millennia Year Application Software System (MYASS)

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system that will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is to be known as "Millennia Year Application Software System (MYASS)".

Next Monday, there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.

Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before". I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again.

There have been some concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial investigation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "Here, stick this in MYASS". It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, "Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS".

Satan

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving...seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, “Don’t you know who I am?”

The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”

Satan asked, “Aren’t you afraid of me?”

“Nope, sure ain’t,” said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, “Why aren’t you afraid of me?”

The man calmly replied, “ Been married to your sister for over 48 years!”

Hell

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm. The answer was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing with time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell; because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year--"...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you."--and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true; and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

THE STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A" GIVEN.

New Operating System Error Messages

Sony has announced its own computer operating system now available on its hot new portable PC called the Vaio. Instead of producing the cryptic error messages characteristic of Microsoft's Windows 95, 3.1, and DOS operating systems, Sony's chairman Asai Tawara said, "We intend to capture the ground by putting a human, Japanese face on what has been - until now - an operating system that reflects Western cultural hegemony. For example, we have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with our own Japanese haiku poetry." The chairman went on to give examples of Sony's new error messages:

A file that big? It might be very useful. But now it is gone.		Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.
	The Web site you seek cannot be located but countless more exist
ABORTED effort: Close all that you have worked on. You ask way too much.		First snow, then silence. This thousand dollar screen dies so beautifully.
	Yesterday it worked Today it is not working Windows is like that.
With searching comes loss and the presence of absence: "My Novel" not found.		Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams.
	The Tao that is seen is not the true Tao, until You bring fresh toner.
Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank.		Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data. Guess which has occurred.
	A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone.
You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here.		Having been erased, The document you're seeking Must now be retyped.
	Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will.

Did You Know???

La Cucaracha

In the main verse of the Mexican Mariachi song "La Cucaracha" (The Cockroach), the bug is stoned on marijuana?

Here are the words to the entire song:

La Cucaracha, la cucaracha,
ya no puede caminar,
porque no tiene, porque le falta,
marihuana que fumar. (<--- Here's the line about pot)

Ya se van los carrancistas,
ya se van por el alambre,
porque dicen los villistas,
que se estam muriendo de hambre.

Pobre de las Cucaracha,
se queja con decepcion,
de no usar ropa planchada,
por la escasez de carbon.